One of the most difficult struggles a child abuse victim has is, how to deal with the shame and the blame of their abusive past.
I struggled with this problem for years because I believed what was being said about me all through my child hood. I was ugly, I was a piece of garbage, I was the black bastard, all of these comments made by my stepfather brainwashed me into believing I was of no value. I suffered the burden of blame for all that my mother was going through because I thought it was all my fault. If she would have given me away, things would have been so much better for her, so I thought.
I can remember those Friday and Saturday nights when mom and the old man would come home from the bar and he would sit her at the table and curse her for bring me, that black bastard into his home. I was upstairs buried under my brothers bodies in the bed, hopeing he would not see me if he came into the room and I would avoid a beating.
I lay there unable to sleep, listening to his ranting and raving and he would hit mom and I would hear her crying and feel so hopeless. I remember thinking if I could only die he would stop hurting mom, so I stood as a child, on the little bridge in Paris Ontario, looking down at the water, trying to find the courage to jump and die, I didn’t really want to die, I just wanted to end all the pain and suffering.
How great full I am today that I didn’t end my life and that I have lived and discovered how much God loved me in my crises and the truth about Jesus and His great sacrifice for us. I now have the privilege of sharing the love Christ with people all over the world and to encourage them to open their hearts and lives to His love and forgiveness.
You can find out more about my survival and how God’s love changed my life by, e-mailing me at email@example.com I would be glad to hear from you.
MORE TO COME!