Unwanted

As a child I spent a lot of time alone, not because I chose to but because I had no other option. I felt so lonely and so isolated even when I was at home I wasn’t allowed to come downstairs and play with the other members of the family.

Child-Of-Woe-Screen-Shot2When at home, I spent all of my time upstairs in the boy’s bedroom, all alone in the dark, staring out the bedroom window down at the river which ran by our house.

My stepfather would not allow my mother to leave a light on for me, and he delighted in sneaking up the stairs in the dark and hunting me down, cursing me, and telling me that when he finds me this time, he is going to tear me to shreds with his bare hands. He would say things like, “where are you, you black bastard? You can’t hide from me, I’ll find you and bash your face in.”

I would just sit in the dark till he found me and then the cursing and beating would be unbearable. To be unwanted is bad enough but, then to be cursed and beaten because you are unwanted is a terrible state to be in. How often I thought about committing  suicide, I often stood on the bridge in my home town and looked down at the water and told myself I would be better off dead, then he couldn’t hurt me anymore. I used to look at the big train bridge across the river and thought if I could climb up there, I could face the train and die or, if I chickened out, I could always jump off before the train reached me.

I didn’t want to die, and young people don’t commit suicide because they want to die, they think no body cares about them and that’s the way I felt about myself during those abusive years. I felt alone and unwanted!

I thank God today that He wanted me, and He wants you too, He sent His Only Begotten Son into the world to die for, your sins and mine and He invites us to come to Jesus and receive forgiveness and love. I thank God that He found me, and salvaged my life!  There’s, MORE TO COME!